A Transcript of Donald Trump's Acceptance Speech

It's the economy that's stupid, stupid.

By Jennifer Matsui


My fellow Americans, yeah, I'm talking to you, losers! Listen up, or get the hell out of my country. You heard me! Mine! Coz I won it fair and square. And boy, the things I'm going to do with it to make it great again starting with ... Camera guys! Can you get a shot of the fat lady with the oxygen canister? She's got a Trump sticker on her whatcha-ma-jiggy. The thing that looks like a wheelchair but with an outboard motor. Now could you put her over there and outta my sight? She's convulsing or something. Get her some Trump water. She can pay me later.


Like I was saying, my fellow Americans, unless your name is Hussein, If your name has Hussein anywhere near it, then get the hell outta Dodge and back to Kenya! And take Megyn Kelly with you. Tweet that, will you, Ivanka? Like I was saying, this beautiful country of ours, where a mogul with only 200 million dollars in seed money - Ya think 200 million dollars is a lot? Which smart ass thinks that? LOSER! - Can make this country great again. From the ground up. With a penthouse view. Time to burn this mosque down and build a real White House. From the bottom up! With apologies to my old pal Hussein, who is at this moment packing up his prayer mats and getting the hell outta Dodge! Can you tweet that, Ivanka? Dodge!!! With two d's!


Speaking of double D's ... Honey, could you step out here? Ladies and Gentlemen, my wife Melania! Look at the cans on her! Now this is a real First Lady. The “First Lady” I ever let take a dump on me. Ivanka, stop making that face. But hey, whatever happens in Vegas stays there for the maid to clean up. Melania, honey, stop trying to blink. Artie, can you get her some Trump water? Or one of those little dried rodent snacks she likes to gnaw on?


Anyway, like I was saying ... Air Force One! I bought a bunch of decommissioned planes from the Hooters fleet, and I tricked them out real nice. My pal Rick Hilton - Say 'hi', Rick! - Well, his daughters, real talented girls, designed the interiors. So yeah, I got a bunch of Air Force Ones, and I jazzed 'em all up, so they've got the Trump logo all over 'em. And when I'm done making this country great again, you'll be seeing Trump Airlines all over the map. I'm talking sonic jets, B52's, the whole shebang. Coz when I take out ISIS, those planes dropping all the bombs on refugees here won't be wasted - they'll be all commercial carriers bearing the Trump Logo and tricked out all really nice. Classy like we haven't seen classy in this country since Reagan was in office.


Like I was saying, coz someone's got to say it: It's the economy that's stupid. You heard me say it first, stupid! It's time to bury it in the bathwater along with Big Government. With a hatchet! It's time to pick up our silver spoo- I mean, shovels and get shovel ready for shoveling government into the dustbin of history with the Nazis and the ladies who don't prune their bushes like Rosie O'Donnell. That's how you put an economy to work! With your bare, dragging knuckles. How many characters is that, Ivanka?


Oh yeah, my cabinet. My cabinet, ladies and gentlemen is all suited up and ready to go. I've got real talent here, folks. Artie, where'd ya go? Is going to do the honors as my veep. Maybe you know him from the Howard Stern show. He stabbed himself in the stomach with scissors once, but I say it takes real guts to stab yourself in the stomach and not die. So give it up, ladies and gentlemen, for Artie! Stern fired him but America hired him back! Put a trademark sign after "fired,"Ivanka. Our country needs guys like him. Guys who will bleed all over the floor and not die like some loser.


Like I was saying ... Diversity! I got Omarosa Mangault for Secretary of State. She's from my own hit TV show, The Apprentice - check it out on Netflix, folks! She looks sort of like Condoleeza and Susan Rice, but hotter. So suck on that Al Sharpton and Caitlyn Jenner! But get a hotel room first. Just not one of mine! I got Barbara Walters as my press secretary. Now I know what you're thinking, old, probably smells funny, but I tell you, folks, this lady gives great ... interview. And she's banged some pretty important people over a career that's spanned over a hundred years! So yeah, like I was saying ... Experience.


Ivanka here is going to be my Chief of Staff. I know what you're thinking ... great cans! But can she run a White House? Can she ever, folks! You should see what she did with my sock drawer. What she did there? Classy stuff! And who else is going to fetch me my Trump water and have my Trump tie pressed when that three a.m. call comes in telling me to nuke Ireland or something? I'm giving her the Lincoln bedroom and a big fat raise. Coz she gives me a "big, fat raise," if you know what I mean. Honey, stop with the dirty looks.


I got my Secretary of Defenses all lined up, and I gotta tell you, he's a great guy. We went to the Wharton School of Business together and it pains me to tell you this, folks, but he beat me arm wrestling once. So take that, ISIS and Mexico! Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Thaddeus Stanislav Von Rommel the Third. At Wharton, we called him Tad the Pole, but I call him one of my oldest and dearest friends. And one of my biggest donors. Some of you folks might remember him as Grand Marshall of the Macy's Day Parade back in '83. So we've got a Secretary of Defense, ladies and gentlemen and we even got a Secretary of The Fence! I'm talking about the fellow who's going to oversee that big wall around Mexico. I think his name his Doug, but I gotta check on that. Anyway, he's on the board over at Walmart. Great guy!


Well, I gotta wrap this thing up, so a few words about my opponent, Hillary Clinton! I know I called her 'Lebanese' throughout my campaign, but that was on account of her liking the ladies, and not her religion. So go easy on her, folks! If I wore control top pantyhose with twenty year old blood stains on 'em, she'd me, or I'd be her or something like that. But she's not me and that's why I'm standing here on this soon to be shining development project I plan to call Pennsylvania Avenue Towers. Hillary, I'll call you if we need to take down Libya again. Well, folks, that's a wrap. Now get the hell offa my lawn!


Published December 17th, 2015