He Doesn’t Tip, Either

Reservoir Dogs meet the Untouchables in a rumble in the Bronx.

By Jim Knipfel


An obsessive Reservoir Dogs fan made his dreams come true this week in the charming Soundview section of The Bronx, of all places. Early Tuesday morning, after dressing in a sharp dark suit and reciting some of his favorite lines from the movie in the bathroom mirror, he checked his gun and headed out.


Not long afterward he found himself on Westchester Ave. where, as it happens, two security guards employed by the Rapid Armor Corporation were making a delivery to a check cashing joint. The man in the dark suit approached the two guards, pulled his gun, and, in a cool and cadenced tone he’d been practicing for months, demanded they hand over the cash.


Well, one of the security guards, a big Untouchables fan who’d clearly been waiting for this moment his whole life as well, pulled his own gun and started firing away. The well-dressed man started firing away. Why, there were bullets zinging hither and yon up and down the avenue as bystanders, who living where they did knew the drill well enough by now, dove behind buildings and under cars.


Somehow in the midst of the fracas, the well-dressed Tarantino fan reached into the open van, grabbed two bags containing an estimated $76,000 in cash, scampered down the street, hopped into a waiting red Honda, and sped away.


The really stupid thing is, for all the trigger-happy shenanigans, no one was injured, which just goes to show something.


Published December 17th, 2015

Jim Knipfel is the author of Slackjaw, The Blow-Off, These Children Who Come at You With Knives, and several other books.