Caitlyn Jenner Is Turning Me Into A Homophobe

Kaitlyn Kardashian only did it for the name change.

By Tony Sokol


I was always a progressive. I didn’t know what it was, but I had a natural affinity with leftist thinking. I didn’t see what was so bad about looking at capitalism from the communist interpretation. I never found myself particularly bothered by any one kind of person. I had no problem with anyone’s religion, what country their families came or who they liked to fuck, as long as it wasn’t kids. I didn’t even know there would be such a backlash to the idea of gay weddings. I was under the impression, probably because I’m a naïve native New Yorker, that it was already okay. Maybe not legal in the legal sense, but who cared?


I put on high heels and fishnets and troweled myself up with makeup to be one of the youngest Dr. Frank N. Furters in a regular Rocky Horror Picture Show shadowcast when I was 16 and I got beat up for it. I would never say the words that would get me out of it: “I ain’t no fucking queer,” because I had met too many people who liked to screw people of their own gender and that betrayal would have hurt more than getting scraped across concrete. Also, my father, a construction worker who everyone treated like he was John Gotti or something, never had a problem with it. He did construction on the gay baths and all he ever said about the community was that he thought their drag queens were hysterically funny.


Vampyr Theatre had a very wide following, having started in S&M clubs, and I’ve known a lot of transgendered people since my teen years. For some odd reason, when we talk, we spend very little time talking about the transgender experience. Oh, there will be one or two conversations about it. It’s interesting. But then, like most people, topics change to music or TV or politics. Just like anyone else. The dialog is important, but on an individual basis, there are other things to talk about regardless of how long you’ve had your reassigned genitalia.


The transgendered community has historically been a sad lot. More repressed than other communities, so many of them struggle for simple things like keeping a job or going twenty minutes without someone making a crack, physical or verbal. That doesn’t mean they don’t put on a good show on the outside. That kind of bravery is very rare.


Ah but then comes Caitlyn Jenner, former Olympic athlete and Wheaties cereal spokesperson, and the world has a new hero. Except that Jenner doesn’t have the same problems as 99.9 percent of the community she’s come to represent. She doesn’t need a job, has more money than the most successful drag queen in the business and doesn’t need to look where she’s going when she’s driving. She’s a Kardashian and when you’re a Kardashian the problems of the real world are scenes out of a surrealistic alternative dimension.


Barbara Walters named Caitlyn Jenner the most interesting person of the year for this year and I just wanna know what’s so fucking interesting about Caitlyn Jenner? She’s famous for being Caitlyn Jenner. She used to be famous for being a guy named Bruce, but gender transformation wasn’t the only change she saw in the past few years. She became a Kardashian and that means you’re famous for being a Kardashian and that has come to take on other Jenners like Kendall, on the fast track to becoming a supermodel because the world has been brainwashed by the Kardashian brand. They can be anything they want, say anything that they want and name kids anything they want because they can buy anything they want. Caitlyn even gets to keep his Olympic phallus, because he can have his cake and eat whatever he wants. There is no guillotine waiting for his little Marie Antoinette.


Caitlyn isn’t gay, she’s a lesbian woman in a man’s body. That’s actually a better pickup line than the “Let’s skip the preliminaries. Wanna get married?” line from the seventies TV show Taxi. It’s so sensitive. It implies a great fuck and an even better shopping partner. And what a woman and what a body. That body led the country to gold.


When Caitlyn came out, a lot of people cared, or at least became aware of a community that’s been under the radar for years. That was a plus. But it came with a whole lot of new rules and identifiers and bullshit that further marginalized the community under the weight of political correctness. Linguistics will never be as interesting as cunnilingus and so I never found myself the least bit interested in the spoiled life of Caitlyn Kardash- I mean Jenner.


You see, the real reason for the whole transgender episode on this year’s Keeping Up With The Kardashians was to give Bruce an excuse to change his name to one with the K sound. The only thing that’s unusual is that the name wasn’t changed to Kaitlyn, but that’s probably the rebellious streak of a former athlete keeping a bit of self-identity.


Gay marriage, equal rights for the LGBT community, and tolerance should be a given. Caitlyn Jenner’s penis envious fame should be taken.




Published December 24th, 2015

Tony Sokol is a writer, playwright and musician. He writes for Den of GeekThe Chiseler, and wrote for Altvariety,, Daily Offbeat. Dark Media Press, Wicked Mystic and other magazines. He has had over 20 plays produced in NYC, including Vampyr Theatre and the rock opera "AssassiNation: We Killed JFK." He appeared on the Joan Rivers (TV) Show, Strange Universe and Britain's "The Girlie Show."