Why It’s Always Best to Tidy Up a BIt Before Calling Cops

Being a crime victim isn't a get out of jail free card.

By Jim Knipfel

How many times do I have to tell you? If you’ve been the victim of a crime but aren’t exactly pure as the driven snow yourself, for god sakes take a moment and clean up a little before calling 911. Didn’t you learn anything from Boy George?

Harlem resident LaTroya Lovelli, 22, sure didn’t. But of course a lack of tidiness was only one of her problems. At around four last Wednesday afternoon, two masked and armed men forced their way into her apartment, making off with approximately $1500 in cash, a cell phone, and several ounces of pot.

Ms. Lovelli, understandably shaken by the experience and perhaps not thinking too clearly, called police to report the incident. But when cops showed up, see? They couldn’t help but notice all the pot distribution paraphenalia scattered around the apartment, as well as the long gun barrel sticking out of the violin case over there in the corner. Upon closer examination they found the case contained a loaded Hi-Point Carbine 995 Series rifle. Forgetting all about the masked home invaders, cops took Lovelli and her boyfriend into custody, slapping them with assorted weapons and drug charges, as well as for not knowing a violin case is to be used for tommyguns exclusively. Dumbasses!

Wait—you mean she actually reported the thieves had stolen her pot?

Published December 31st, 2015

Jim Knipfel is the author of Slackjaw, The Blow-Off, These Children Who Come at You With Knives, and several other books.