Archaeologists Find Ancient Cell Phone Proving Sony Predates History

Leif Erikson calls uncle, message goes straight to voicemail.

By Tony Sokol

Everyone knows that panic of a misplaced cellphone, every minute seems like an hour in this highly wired world. Imagine what it’s like to lose a gadget for over two thousand years. There are archaeologists in Austria who are looking for a charger right now.

Sony Ericsson is a lesser known second great uncle of Leif Erikson. The Viking is renowned for discovering the world before the explorers did on his little outboard pirate ship but Sony has remained in relative obscurity when it comes to history. It seems that that day is over. Archaeologists kicking up dirt in Fuschl am See, Austria, found what looks like a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian clay prototype for a cell phone, and not just any cell-phone, this was the first s868 model in known history.

While some online experts are marveling at what looks to be either evidence of an advanced ancient civilization or the same proof of time travel that was recorded in that old Charlie Chaplin movie where some lady is talking to hairclip, the real find is the patent claims that should come out of this. According to mysteriousuniverse.org, the clay technology has no modern equivalent.

Some online scrutinizers believe the ancient cell phone came from outer space. While most tech-historians point to the flip-top communicator from the TV show Star Trek as being the inspiration to cordless phones, the writer Zecharia Sitchin believes the patent belongs to an alien civilization called the Anunnaki who come from the planet Nibiru which is rumored to lie somewhere past former planet Pluto. The Anunnaki, Stichin theorized, used the ancient Sumerian race in their ancient sweatshops.

There is a theoretical unprovability that Sony Ericsson could have apprenticed in the booming business of cell tower repair. There are still people waiting for him to finish hooking Stone Henge up to the communications grid. According to most reports, Sony Ericsson misplaced his cell phone sometime around the 13th century BCE. According to the images that the researchers shot on their own cell phones, the cordless phone’s keys are etched in cuneiform characters, which would point to the manufacturing marvels that came out of the ancient world’s original Silicon Valley, Mesopotamia.

About 2 million cuneiform tablets have been excavated worldwide. Most tablets have been found in Iran, but they have been left as far as Tiahuanaco, Bolivia, where archaeologists dug up the Fuente Magna Bowl. This is the first cuneiform tablet found in Austria. The code for the ancient Sumerian language wasn’t deciphered until the 19th century. It was one of the first cases of breaking code in history.

Cuneiform experts working tirelessly on the translation think they found a talk button, a send button and dialing keys, but the numbers don’t really add up. The cuneiform alphabet consists of more than 1,000 characters, much too bulky for even the most intimate of interstellar communications. But they were able to translate the last saved message left on the voicemail. It said “can you hear me now?” This gives further credence to the idea that the first carrier was Verizon, which was also a little known name of the dingy onboard Leif Erikson’s ship.

The modern day corporate entity Sony Ericsson is based in Tokyo, Japan, and Lund, Sweden. Leif Erikson was the son of Erik the Red and his wife Thjodhild. He was born sometime around 970 in Iceland, which was discovered by one of his other relatives, Naddodd. His grandfather was Thorvaldr Ásvaldsson, who took the young Leif with him when went on the lam from Norway for a murder rap. Sweden is only a nine hour drive from Norway.

Leif is known for discovering Vineland and landing in North America before the famed explorers. But he is best known for his hoaxes. Leif was the kind of kid who would have used his cell phone to call Moe’s Tavern and ask for Amanda Hugankiss, another relative who discovered Bjork. Leif named an icy body of land he discovered Greenland just to piss off travel agents. This distinction led most internet observers to determine that the ancient cell phone discovered in Austria to be a hoax.

Published January 7th, 2016


Tony Sokol is a writer, playwright and musician. He writes for Den of GeekThe Chiseler, KpopStarz.com and wrote for Altvariety, Coed.com, Daily Offbeat. Dark Media Press, Wicked Mystic and other magazines. He has had over 20 plays produced in NYC, including Vampyr Theatre and the rock opera "AssassiNation: We Killed JFK." He appeared on the Joan Rivers (TV) Show, Strange Universe and Britain's "The Girlie Show."